The Hard Part Is What’s Next.
No mother should ever have to bury her child. But it happens all the time. And recently it was a family we know, making my heart heavier and taking me back just a bit to the familiar feelings of four years ago.
I’ve been there. We lost my three-year-old son in 2016.
Finding Projects That Heal.
Ever feel like you needed saving? This is how ‘finding furniture’ saved me. When my son Benjamin died in 2016, I needed a hobby. I needed something to work on, something to do – even though I still had two of my almost-4-year-old triplets. I needed something (anything) to help combat this new feeling of despair, if just for a little while. I started rehabbing old furniture.
Finding the Reason .. Three Years Later
I received a call from the PICU around 10:30pm saying that Benjamin had an ‘episode’ and I should come to the hospital as soon as I could. My husband was actually already on his way. I had been in Ben’s room all day, and Rob and I were doing a shift change. He would stay overnight.
It was a Monday.
Every Time I See a Child Smile, I Think “This is why Ben died.”
For any mom who loses a son, you wonder ‘why’? Why did this happen? Why me? Why us? What could I have done to keep him well? And the worst question of all that comes from a place of guilt – is there anything I could have done differently to deliver a different outcome?
For me, I believe the answer is no.
When Ben Comes Home
Mommy, when Ben comes home, I’m going to show him this book.
You’re such a good brother, I would say.
This conversation or something very similar would happen more times than I could count. And probably for at least the six weeks following Ben’s death. This was just one of many questions or innocent thoughts I had from my then three-year-old son about his brother.
