Finding the Reason .. Three Years Later
I received a call from the PICU around 10:30pm saying that Benjamin had an ‘episode’ and I should come to the hospital as soon as I could. My husband was actually already on his way. I had been in Ben’s room all day, and Rob and I were doing a shift change. He would stay overnight.
It was a Monday.
Every Time I See a Child Smile, I Think “This is why Ben died.”
For any mom who loses a son, you wonder ‘why’? Why did this happen? Why me? Why us? What could I have done to keep him well? And the worst question of all that comes from a place of guilt – is there anything I could have done differently to deliver a different outcome?
For me, I believe the answer is no.
When Ben Comes Home
Mommy, when Ben comes home, I’m going to show him this book.
You’re such a good brother, I would say.
This conversation or something very similar would happen more times than I could count. And probably for at least the six weeks following Ben’s death. This was just one of many questions or innocent thoughts I had from my then three-year-old son about his brother.
A Boy Named Ben.
Benjamin Robert. He was beautiful. Round face and big cheeks. Longest eye lashes I’d ever seen. And a smile so bright that could bring so much joy. He was my heart and my soul. My son.
Are They Twins?
This is a question I’ve had to answer MAAAANY more times than I ever had to answer the one ‘Are they triplets?’ And I don’t know why this is.
