Every Time I See a Child Smile, I Think “This is why Ben died.”
When Ben Comes Home
For any mom who loses a son, you wonder ‘why’? Why did this happen? Why me? Why us? What could I have done to keep him well? And the worst question of all that comes from a place of guilt – is there anything I could have done differently to deliver a different outcome?
For me, I believe the answer is no.
A Boy Named Colin. My Son.
Mommy, when Ben comes home, I’m going to show him this book.
You’re such a good brother, I would say.
This conversation or something very similar would happen more times than I could count. And probably for at least the six weeks following Ben’s death. This was just one of many questions or innocent thoughts I had from my then three-year-old son about his brother.
A Boy Named Ben.
Mom, I’m going to work over here.
My son said to me while we were clearing the snow from our drive and sidewalks recently.
Ok, babe, that’s great. You’re a wonderful helper, is how I responded.
There are moments I forget HE IS ONLY SIX YEARS OLD. This was one of them.
Do We Really Need Resolutions?
Benjamin Robert. He was beautiful. Round face and big cheeks. Longest eye lashes I’d ever seen. And a smile so bright that could bring so much joy. He was my heart and my soul. My son.
Are They Twins?
Everyone is still talking about resolutions for the New Year including eating less, moving more, etc etc. Are these the resolutions that are REALLY needed?
Keep Present the Reason for the Season.
This is a question I’ve had to answer MAAAANY more times than I ever had to answer the one ‘Are they triplets?’ And I don’t know why this is.
Each year, I think “We’re not going to go overboard.” “I don’t want the kids to begin to expect a ton of toys.” “How do I get them to appreciate what we/they have?” And .. the big one – “How do I get them to remember what Christmas is all about anyway?”
We Are Blessed.
Entering this time of year is hard for me -- Once Halloween is here, life rolls on through Thanksgiving and then right into the Christmas season without even slowing down. Last year happened to be our ‘year of firsts’…the first birthday, the first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving…all without my beautiful Ben.
I’m not a wallower.
Never have been. And we’ve had a pretty difficult last few years – from managing a premature birth and a five-month NICU stay to a child with significant needs, caring for triplets, dealing with child loss, trying to figure out this new life. I probably have plenty to be angry about, as many others do in this world. And I am angry. And some days I do wonder ‘why me?’ But …we are also Blessed.