Every Time I See a Child Smile, I Think “This is why Ben died.”
For any mom who loses a son, you wonder ‘why’? Why did this happen? Why me? Why us? What could I have done to keep him well? And the worst question of all that comes from a place of guilt – is there anything I could have done differently to deliver a different outcome?
For me, I believe the answer is no.
When Ben Comes Home
Mommy, when Ben comes home, I’m going to show him this book.
You’re such a good brother, I would say.
This conversation or something very similar would happen more times than I could count. And probably for at least the six weeks following Ben’s death. This was just one of many questions or innocent thoughts I had from my then three-year-old son about his brother.
A Boy Named Ben.
Benjamin Robert. He was beautiful. Round face and big cheeks. Longest eye lashes I’d ever seen. And a smile so bright that could bring so much joy. He was my heart and my soul. My son.
Are They Twins?
This is a question I’ve had to answer MAAAANY more times than I ever had to answer the one ‘Are they triplets?’ And I don’t know why this is.
Being Thankful.
Entering this time of year is hard for me -- Once Halloween is here, life rolls on through Thanksgiving and then right into the Christmas season without even slowing down. Last year happened to be our ‘year of firsts’…the first birthday, the first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving…all without my beautiful Ben.